I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?' He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a horse shit. He finished the second ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner...
A team of archaeologists was working in Jerusalem when they found a slab of rock with five figures carved on it. In order, the figures were: 1. a woman 2. a donkey 3. a shovel 4. a fish 5. a Star of David After months of studying the rock and figures on it, the leader took the rock and went on a lecture tour. He said the carvings were several thousand years old, but even so they revealed a lot about the people of that time. 1. The woman being placed first indicates that women were held in very high esteem. It was most likely a family oriented culture. 2. The donkey indicated that they had domestic animals. They probably used the donkey to till the fields. 3. The shovel shows they were highly intelligent, as they knew how to make tools. 4. The fish shows they knew how to augment the crops they raised by also reaping from the sea. 5. The Star of David, of course, indicates they were a very religious people. A little old man in the front row finally got the attention of the speaker. When acknowledged he said, "I'm sorry to blow your conclusions, but you were reading it from left to right. In Hebrew, we read from right to left. That way it reads, "Holy mackerel, dig the ass on that woman."
THREE FILTER TEST In ancient Greece, Socrates was reputed to hold knowledge in high esteem. One day an acquaintance met the great philosopher and said, "Do you know what I just heard about your friend?" Hold on a minute," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything, I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Three Filter Test." Three filter?" That's right," Socrates continued. "Before you talk to me about my friend, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. That's why I call it the three filter test. The first filter is TRUTH. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?" No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and..." All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of GOODNESS. Is what you are about to tell me about my friend something good?" No, on the contrary..." So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of USEFULNESS. Is what you want to tell me about my friend going to be useful to me?" No, not really." Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?" ~Author Unknown~
Tuesday, December 03, 2002 - In a recent Washington Post contest, readers were asked to create new words by combining two words that overlap by two letters or more. Among the entries: Courtshipwreck: A dating error so disastrous it ends a relationship. Foxymoron: A perfect 10 in looks and IQ. Frigidiot: Those shirtless guys at January football games. Impotentate: Saddam, before Viagra. Leotarp: Plus-size workout wear. Zeppelingerie: Undergarments for the full-figured frau. - from The Portland Oregonian, as reprinted in the Denver Post.
Some People never lose their sense of humor. A physician claims these are
actual comments from his Patients, made while he was performing colonoscopies:
1. "Take it easy, Doc, you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
2. "Did you find Amelia Earhart yet?"
3. "Can you hear me NOW?"
4. "Oh boy, that was sphincterrific!"
5. "Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
6. "You know, in Arkansas, we're now legally married."
7. "Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
8. "You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out.
You do the Hokey Pokey and shake it all about"
9. "Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
10. "If your hand doesn't fit, you must aquit!"
11. "Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
12. "You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
13. "Doc, could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not,
in fact, up there?"
A French teacher was explaining to her College class that in French, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine. House is feminine "la maison." Pencil is masculine-"le crayon." A student asked, "What gender is 'computer'?" Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups-male and female-and asked them to decide for themselves whether "computer" should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for their recommendation. The men's group decided that "computer" should definitely be of the feminine gender (la computer) because: 1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic; 2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else; 3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later review; and 4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it. The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be masculine (le computer) because: 1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on; 2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves; 3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and 4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.
Signs of the Times.
1. On a Septic Tank Truck sign:
"We're #1 in the #2 business."
2. Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."
3. At a Proctologist's door
"To expedite your visit please back in."
4. On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
5. Pizza Shop Slogan:
"7 days without pizza makes one weak."
6. At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout."
7. On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:
"Hello. Can we pick your nose?"
8. On a Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
9. In a Nonsmoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate action."
10. On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
11. At an Optometrist's Office
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come
to the right place."
12. On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
13. On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
14. In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
15. On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive.."
16. At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
17. Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
19. At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
18. In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
20. In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry,
Come on in and get fed up."
21. In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."
22. At a Propane Filling Station,
"Tank heaven for little grills."
23. At a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak."
Military Wisdom --- Don't Disregard These Warnings! "A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit." -Army's magazine of preventive maintenance. "Aim towards the Enemy." -Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher "When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.. -U.S. Marine Corps "Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Troop "If the enemy is in range, so are you." -Infantry Journal "It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." -U.S. Air Force Manual "Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons." -Gen. Douglas MacArthur "Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." -Infantry Journal "You, you, and you . . . Panic. The rest of you, come with me." -U.S. Marine Corps Gunnery Sgt. "Tracers work both ways." -U.S. Army Ordnance Corps "Five second fuses only last three seconds." -Infantry Journal "Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything." -U. S Navy Swabbie "Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid." -David Hackworth "If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush." -Infantry Journal "No combat ready unit has ever passed inspection." -Joe Gay "Any ship can be a minesweeper... once." -Anon "Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." -Unknown Marine Recruit "Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you." -Your Buddies "If you see a bomb technician running, follow him." -U.S.A.F. Ammo Tech Sgt
Those of us old enough to remember the old Hollywood
Squares Game (before Whoopi) will appreciate these
classic lines. These are from the old Hollywood
Squares show in the 70's.
Q: If you're going to make a parachute jump, you should be at least how high?
A: Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.
_____________________________
Q: True or false...a pea can last as long as 5,000 years.
A: George Gobel: Boy it sure seems that way sometimes...
_____________________________
Q: You've been having trouble going to sleep. Are you probably a man or a
woman?
A: Don Knotts: That's what's been keeping me awake.
____________________________
Q: According to Cosmo, if you meet a stranger at a party and you think he's
really attractive, is it okay to come out directly and ask him if he's
married?
A: Rose Marie: No, wait until morning.
____________________________
Q: Which of your five senses tends to diminish as you get older?
A: Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.
____________________________
Q: In Hawaiian, does it take more than three words to say "I love you"?
A: Vincent Price: No, you can say it with a pineapple and a twenty.
____________________________
Q: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands
while you are talking?
A: Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter...and I'll
give you a gesture you'll never forget!
____________________________
Q: Paul, why do Hell's Angels wear leather?
A: Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.
____________________________
Q: Charley, you've just decided to grow strawberries. Are you going to get
any during your first year?
A: Charley Weaver: Of course not, Peter. I'm too busy growing strawberries!
____________________________
Q: In bowling, what's a perfect score?
A: Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.
____________________________
Q: It is considered in bad taste to discuss two subjects at nudist camps.
One is politics. What is the other?
A: Paul Lynde: Tape measures.
____________________________
Q: Can boys join the Camp Fire Girls?
A: Marty Allen: Only after lights out.
____________________________
Q: When you pat a dog on its head he will usually wag his tail. What will
a goose do?
A: Paul Lynde: Make him bark.
____________________________
Q: If you were pregnant for two years, what would you give birth to?
A: Paul Lynde: Whatever it is, it would never be afraid of the dark.
____________________________
Q: According to Ann Landers, is there anything wrong with getting into the
habit of kissing a lot of people?
A: Charley Weaver: It got me out of the army!
____________________________
Q: It is the most abused and neglected part of your body - what is it?
A: Paul Lynde: Mine may be abused but it certainly isn't neglected!
___________________________
Q: Charley, what do you call a pig that weighs more than 150 pounds?
A: Charley Weaver: A divorcee.
___________________________
Q: Back in the old days, when Great Grandpa put horseradish on his head,
what was he trying to do?
A: George Gobel: Get it in his mouth.
____________________________
Q: Who stays pregnant for a longer period of time, your wife or your elephant?
A: Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?
_____________________________
Q: When a couple have a baby, who is responsible for it's sex?
A: Charley Weaver: I'll lend him the car. The rest is up to him.
_____________________________
Q: Jackie Gleason recently revealed that he firmly believes in them and
has actually seen them on at least tw! ! o occasions. What are they?
A: Charley Weaver: His feet.
_____________________________
Q: Do female frogs croak?
A: Paul Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.
_____________________________
Q: Imagine you are a child in your mother's womb, can you detect light?
A: Paul Lynde: Only during ballet practice.
Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a US radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew: "Homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22, and cannot be condoned in any circumstance". The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a US resident, which was posted on the Internet. Dear Dr. Laura: Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev. 1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them? I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her? Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians? I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself? A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here? Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die? I know from Lev.11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves? My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14) I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging. "
A guy dials his home to speak to his wife and the maid answers. She says that missus is busy right now. The guy insists that she go get her anyway. The maid embarassed, says that the missus is busy with her lover in her bedroom!! The guy goes ballistic and tells the maid to listen very carefully: "Go to the basement, get my rifle, then go to the bedroom and shoot them both." The maid stutters that she can't do that, but finally agrees after the guy tells her that she's fired otherwise. She puts the phone down. The guy listens and a few moments later he hears : BANG! BANG!. The maid comes back in and says that it's done. The guy says: "OK, now listen carefully once more. Drag the bodies down stairs and dump them in the pool" The maid stutters her disapproval. The guys says: " Listen, you're fired if you don't do what I say" The maid says: "But sir we don't have a pool" The guy says : "Is this 872-1286?"
Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp. "What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender. "Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy. "That little shit, O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you, he must have had something in his hand." "That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it." "Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself, didn't you have something in your hand?" "That I did," said Paddy... "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
An Irishman who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over. "So," says the cop to the driver, where have ya been?" "Why, I've been to the pub of course," slurs the drunk. "Well," says the cop, "it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening." "I did all right," the drunk says with a smile. "Did you know," says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms across his chest, "that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?" "Oh, thank heavens," sighs the drunk. "For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf."
Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps on to the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield. "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?" "Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination", says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "What shall I do now?" she shouts. "Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns. "NOW what?" shouts Sister Catherine? "Show him your cross," says Sister Helen, quickly. "Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine. She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"
Subject: Low Price Golf Vacations in Montana Advisory to Golfers The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for BEARS while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses. They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear. It's also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Riding the range one day, a ventriloquist cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and decided to have some fun with him. Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?" Indian: "Dog no talk." Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?" Dog: "Doin' good." Indian is shocked... Cowboy: "Is this Indian your owner?" pointing at the Indian. Dog: "Yep" Cowboy: "How does he treat you?" Dog: "Real good. He lets me run free twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play." Indian has a look of total disbelief. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?" Indian: "Horse no talk." Cowboy: "Hey horse, how are you?" Horse: "Good." Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" indicating the Indian again. Horse: "Yep" Cowboy: "How's he treat you?" Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me under a tree to protect me from the rain." Indian stares in utter amazement. Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?" Indian: "Sheep is liar."
Tennis elbow? One day, in line at the company cafeteria, Jack says to Mike behind him, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Walmart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer'll tell you what's wrong and what to do about it It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars...a lot cheaper than a doctor So Jack deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it toWal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks." That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Jack began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, A stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, masturbated into the mixture for good measure. Jack hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following : 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse? A: No. Q: Did you check for blood pressure? A: No. Q: Did you check for breathing? A: No. Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy? A: No. Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor? A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar. Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless? A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
GOOD Madison, WI policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem - a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign, which read "RADAR TRAP AHEAD". The officer also found the boy had an accomplice who was a bit further down the road with a sign reading "TIPS"and a bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!) BETTER A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar post in La Crosse, WI. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs. BEST A Young woman was pulled over for speeding. As Wisconsin State Trooper Officer walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book, she said, "I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball. "He replied, "Wisconsin State Troopers don't have balls." There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, got back in his patrol car and left.
If Microsoft made toasters If IBM made toasters... They would want one big toaster where people bring bread to be submitted for overnight toasting. IBM would claim a worldwide market for five, maybe six toasters. If Xerox made toasters... You could toast one-sided or double-sided. Successive slices would get lighter and lighter. The toaster would jam your bread for you. If Radio Shack made toasters... The staff would sell you a toaster, but not know anything about it. Or you could buy all the parts to build your own toaster. If Oracle made toasters... They'd claim their toaster was compatible with all brands and styles of bread, but when you got it home you'd discover the Bagel Engine was still in development, the Croissant Extension was three years away, and that indeed the whole appliance was just blowing smoke. If Sun made toasters... The toast would burn often, but you could get a really good cuppa Java. Does DEC still make toasters?... They made good toasters in the '80s, didn't they? If Hewlett-Packard made toasters... They would market the Reverse Polish Toaster, which takes in toast and gives you regular bread. If Tandem made toasters... You could make toast 24 hours a day, and if a piece got burned the toaster would automatically toast you a new one. If Thinking Machines made toasters... You would be able to toast 64,000 pieces of bread at the same time. If Cray made toasters... They would cost $16 million but would be faster than any other single-slice toaster in the world. If The Rand Corporation made toasters... It would be a large, perfectly smooth and seamless black cube. Every morning there would be a piece of toast on top of it. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and the blueprints for the box would be highly classified government documents. The X-Files would have an episode about it. If the NSA made toasters... Your toaster would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to get at your toast for reasons of national security. If Sony made toasters... The ToastMan, which would be barely larger than the single piece of bread it is meant to toast, can be conveniently attached to your belt. If Fisher Price made toasters... "Baby's First Toaster" would have a hand-crank that you turn to toast the bread that pops up like a Jack-in-the-box. If the Franklin Mint made toasters... Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted piece of your authentic hand-crafted Civil War pewter toaster. If CostCo made toasters... They'd be really cheap, as long as you bought a six-pack of 'em. If Apple made toasters... It would do everything the Microsoft toaster does, but 5 years earlier. And, of course: If Microsoft made toasters... Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster. You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway. Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them. Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.
Things I'd love to say out loud in meetings (and in e-mails). 1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh1t. 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message. 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a damn word you're saying. 10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again... 11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental. 19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks! 20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial. 23. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion would be...? 24. Do I look like a people person? 25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. 26. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. 27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. 28. If I throw a stick, will you leave? 29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. 30. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. 31. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. 32. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. 33. Can I trade this job for what's behind door #1? 34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses. 35. Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? 36. Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. 37. How do I set a laser printer to stun? 38. I thought I wanted a career; turns out I just wanted a salary. 39. Who lit the fuse on your tampon? 40. Oh I get it... like humor... but different.
From a strictly mathematical viewpoint, it goes like this: What Makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%? What makes up 100% in life? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions: If: A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z is represented as: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26. Then: H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K 8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98% and K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E 11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96% But, A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E 1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100% And, B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T 2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103% AND, look how far ass kissing will take you. A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G 1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118% So, one can then conclude with mathematical certainty that While Hard work and knowledge will get you close, and, Attitude will get you there, Bullshit and Ass kissing will put you over the top.
Wal-Mart announced that they will soon be offering customers a new
discount item, Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest
retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of California, to
produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $1-3 range.
Wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand
into their shopping carts, but "there is a market for cheap wine,"
said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing. She said: "But the right
name is important."
Customer survey s were conducted to determine the most attractive
name for the Wal-Mart brand. The top surveyed names in order of
popularity are:
10. Chateau Traileur Parc
9. White Trashfindel
8. Big Red Gulp
7. World Championship Riesling
6. NASCARbernet
5. Chef Boyardeaux
4. Peanut Noir
3. I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. Grape Expectations
And the number 1 name for Wal-Mart Wine:
1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with either
white meat (Possum) or red meat (Squirrel).
20060421 Donald Rumsfeld briefed the President this morning. He told Bush that 3 Brazillian soldiers were killed in Iraq. To everyone's amazement, all of the color ran from Bush's face, then he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost whimpering. Finally, he composed himself and asked "Just exactly how many is a brazillion?"
20060502 Dave was out celebrating and had too much to drink, but he drove anyway. As he crossed a bridge he was stopped by a policeman who told him that he had been clocked by radar way over the speed limit. Dave started to give the policeman a hard time. The cop asked him what he did for a living. Dave said - I stretch assholes. I start with two fingers and work my way up to an arm. I stretch it until it is 6 foot. The cop, amazed at this story, asks 'what do you do with a 6 foot asshole? Dave says - You put him at the end of a bridge with a radar gun!!!
20060506 As President Bush gets off the helicopter at the White House, he is carrying a baby pig under each arm. The Marine guard snaps to attention, salutes, and says: "Nice pigs,sir." The President replies: "These are not pigs, these are authentic Texan Razorback Hogs. I got one for Vice-president Cheney, and I got one for Defense Secretary Rumsfeld." The Marine again snaps to attention, salutes, and says, "Nice trade, sir."
Attn: Entrepreneurs Everyone knows that if you are going to operate a business in today's world you need a domain name. It is advisable to look at the domain name selected as other see it and not just as you think it looks. Failure to do this may result in situations such as the following (legitimate) companies who deal in everyday humdrum products and services but clearly didn't give their domain names enough consideration: 1. A site called "Who Represents" where you can find the name of the agent that represents a celebrity. Their domain name is www.whorepresents.com 2. Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views at www.expertsexchange.com 3. Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island at www.penisland.net 4. Need a therapist? Try Therapist Finder at www.therapistfinder.com 5. Then of course, there's the Italian Power Generator company www.powergenitalia.com 6. And now, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery, based in New South Wales: www.molestationnursery.com 7. If you're looking for computer software, there's always www.ipanywhere.com 8. Welcome to the First Cumming Methodist Church. Their website is www.cummingfirst.com 9. Then, of course, there's these brainless art designers, and their whacky website: www.speedofart.com 10. Want to holiday in Lake Tahoe? Try their brochure website at www.gotahoe.com
JUST ANOTHER NORMAL DAY AT THE WHITE HOUSE...
George: Condi! Nice to see you. What's happening?
Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China.
George: Great. Lay it on me.
Condi: Hu is the new leader of China.
George: That's what I want to know.
Condi: That's what I'm telling you.
George: That's what I'm asking you. Who is the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes.
George: I mean the fellow's name.
Condi: Hu.
George: The guy in China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The new leader of China.
Condi: Hu.
George: The Chinaman!
Condi: Hu is leading China.
George: Now whaddya' asking me for?
Condi: I'm telling you Hu is leading China.
George: Well, I'm asking you. Who is leading China?
Condi: That's the man's name.
George: That's who's name?
Condi: Yes.
George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was dead.
Condi: That's correct.
George: Then who is in China?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir is in China?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Then who is?
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Yassir?
Condi: No, sir.
George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me the Secretary General of the U.N. on the phone.
Condi: Kofi?
George: No, thanks.
Condi: You want Kofi?
George: No.
Condi: You don't want Kofi.
George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the U.N.
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi?
George: Milk! Will you please make the call?
Condi: And call who?
George: Who is the guy at the U.N?
Condi: Hu is the guy in China.
George: Will you stay out of China?!
Condi: Yes, sir.
George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N.
Condi: Kofi.
George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone.
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, "I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent." "Thank God," said an elderly nun at the back. "I'm so tired of Chardonnay."George Bush was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below. Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted. The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One. The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!" The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you have a disability The kid says, "I will after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!"
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."
Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was 'a salted'.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: "A beer please, and one for the road."
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does this taste funny to you?"
Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you," says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.
An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.
DejaMoo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!"
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produce d an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made h im a supercalloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis
"Some people are like slinkies. They don't really have a purpose, but they still bring a smile to our face when we push them down the stairs." -- unknown
A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the Priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?" "Of course. What may I do for you?" "Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?" "I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie." "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you." When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?" "From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare." The official thought this answer strange, so asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?" "I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused." Roaring with laughter, the official said, "Go ahead, Father."
The following is a true story. Last week I walked into a local "home style cookin' restaurant/watering hole" to pick up a take out order. I spoke briefly to the waitress behind the counter, who told me my order would be done in a few minutes. So, while I was busy gazing at the farm implements hanging on the walls, I was approached by two, uh, um... well, let's call them "natives". These guys might just be the *original* Texas rednecks -- complete with ten-gallon hats, snakeskin boots and the pervasive odor of cheap beer and whiskey. "Pardon us, ma'am. Mind of we ask you a question?" Well, people keep telling me that Texans are real friendly, so I nodded. "Are you a Satanist?" Well, at least they didn't ask me if I liked to party. "Uh, no, I can't say that I am." "Gee ma'am. Are you *sure* about that?" they asked. I put on my biggest, brightest Dallas Cowboys cheerleader smile and said, "No, I'm positive. The closest I've ever come to Satanism is watching Geraldo." "Hmm. Interesting. See, we was just wondering why it is you have the lord of darkness on your chest there." I was *this close* to slapping one of them and causing a scene -- then I stopped and noticed the T-shirt I happened to be wearing that day. Sure enough, it had a picture of a small, devilish looking creature that has for quite some time now been associated with a certain operating system. In this particular representation, the creature was wearing sneakers. They continued: "See, ma'am, we don't exactly *appreciate* it when people show off pictures of the devil. Especially when he's lookin' so friendly." These idiots sounded terrifyingly serious. Me: "Oh, well, see, this isn't really the devil, it's just, well, it's sort of a mascot." Native: "And what kind of football team has the devil as a mascot?" Me: "Oh, it's not a team. It's an operating-- uh, a kind of computer." I figured that an ATM machine was about as much technology as these guys could handle, and I knew that if I so much as uttered the word "unix" I would only make things worse. Native: "Where does this satanical computer come from?" Me: "California. And there's nothing satanical about it really." Somewhere along the line here, the waitress has noticed my predicament -- but these guys probably outweighed her by 600 pounds, so all she did was look at me sympathetically and run off into the kitchen. Native: "Ma'am, I think you're lying. And we'd appreciate it if you'd leave the premises now." Fortunately, the waitress returned that very instant with my order, and they agreed that it would be okay for me to actually pay for my food before I left. While I was at the cash register, they amused themselves by talking to each other. Native #1: "Do you think the police know about these devil computers?" Native #2: "If they come from California, then the FBI oughta know about 'em." They escorted me to the door. I tried one last time: "You're really blowing this all out of proportion. A lot of people use this "kind of computers". Universities, researchers, businesses. They're actually very useful." Big, big, BIG mistake. I should have guessed at what came next. Native: "Does the government use these devil computers?" Me: "Yes." Another BIG boo-boo. Native: "And does the government *pay* for 'em? With *our* tax dollars?" I decided that it was time to jump ship. Me: "No. Nope. Not at all. You're tax dollars never entered the picture at all. I promise. No sir, not a penny. Our good Christian congressmen would never let something like that happen. Nope. Never. Bye."
The 3-beer Irishman An Irishman moves into a tiny village in County Kerry, walks into the pub and promptly orders three beers. The bartender raises his eyebrows, but serves the man three beers, which he drinks quietly at a table, alone. An hour later, the man has finished the three beers and orders three more. This happens yet again. The next evening the man again orders and drinks three beers at a time, several times. Soon the entire town is whispering about the "Man Who Orders Three Beers." Finally, a week later, the bartender broaches the subject on behalf of the town. "I don't mean to pry, but folks around here are wondering why you always order three beers?" "Tis odd, isn't it?" the man replies, "You see, I have two brothers, and one went to America, and the other to Australia. We promised each other that we would always or der an extra two beers whenever we drank as a way of keeping up the family bond." The bartender and the whole town were pleased with this answer, and soon the "Man Who Orders Three Beers" became a local celebrity and source of pride to the village, even to the extent that out-of-towners would come to watch him drink. Then, one day, the man comes in and orders only two beers. The bartender pours them with a heavy heart. This continues for the rest of the evening: he orders only two beers. The word flies around town. Prayers are offered for the soul of one of the brothers. The next day, the bartender says to the man, "Folks around here, me first of all, want to offer condolences to you for the death of your brother. You know-the two beers and all...." The man ponders this for a moment, then replies, "You'll be happy to hear that my two brothers are alive and well. It's just that I, myself, have decided to give up drinking for Lent."
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix." ************************** In a Podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels." ************************** On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon : Yesterday's Meals on Wheels ************************** On another Septic Tank Truck: "We're #1 in the #2 business" ************************** At a Proctologist's door: "To expedite your visit please back in." ************************** On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed." ************************** On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.." ************************** On a Church's Billboard: "7 days without God makes one weak." ************************** At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee : "Invite us to your next blowout." ************************** On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door: "Hello. Can we pick your nose?" ************************** At a Towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows." ************************** On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts." ************************** In a Non-Smoking Area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action." ************************** On a Maternity Room door: "Push. Push. Push." ************************** At an Optometrist's Office : "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place." ************************** On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff." ************************** On a Fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!" ************************** At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment." ************************** Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary We hear you coming." ************************** In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!" ************************** At the Electric Company : "We would be delighted if you sent in your payment. However, if you don't, you will be." ************************** In a Restaurant window : "Don't stand there and be hungry. Come on in and get fe d up." ************************** In the front yard of a Funeral Home : "Drive carefully. We'll wait." ************************** At a Propane Filling Station : "Thank heaven for little grills." ************************** Chicago Radiator Shop: " Best place in town to take a leak
26 reasons men should stick with dogs
1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.
2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.
3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.
4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.
5. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.
6. A dog's parents never visit.
7. Dogs do not hate their bodies.
8. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.
9. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.
10. Dogs seldom outlive you.
11. Dogs can't talk.
12. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.
13. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk
14. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.
15. Another man will seldom steal your dog.
16. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get
another dog?"
17. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.
18. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a
pervert.
19. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.
20. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get madThey just think it's
interesting.
21. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.
22. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.
23. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.
24. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pick-up truck.
25. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.
And, last but not least:
26. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.
An elderly gentleman of 83 arrived in Paris by plane. At the French Customs' desk, the man took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry-on bag. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the Customs officer asked, sarcastically. The elderly gentleman admitted he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible, Americans always have to show their passports on arrival in France!" The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D- Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to."
((song)) Was it you who did the pushing left the stains upon the cushion footprints on the dashboard upside-down Was it you, you sly wood pecker who got into my daughter Rebecker if it was you, you better leave this town -REPLY- Yes, was I who did the pushing left the stains upon the cushion footprints on the dashboard upside-down But, since I've got into your daughter I've had trouble passing water so, I guess we're even all around!!
A nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift. Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake, she looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat, she says: "Well, that's great....that's just great.... some asshole's got my pen!"
1. Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope 4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond 5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram 6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong 7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling 8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz 10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower 11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line 12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake 13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone 14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles 15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle 16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds 17. 52 cards = 1 decacards 18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton 19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen 20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 22. 10 rations = 1 decoration 23. 100 rations = 1 C-ration 24. 2 monograms = 1 diagram 25. 4 nickels = 2 paradigms 26. 2.4 statute miles of intravenous surgical tubing at Yale University Hospital = 1 IV League
The Confession.
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the girl you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"
"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads...